I can see...

The past couple of weeks I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety. Not that I have these panic attacks or anything, but so much anxiety in my gut that I constantly hurt. My stomach is in pain.

I realize that I compare myself waaaayyyy to much. It's ridiculous really. But it's something I do and it's something I've done all my life. It's hurting me, like really bad. My body feels this anxiety, it struggles to overcome it.

This weekend as I chatted with a dear friend via facebook, and after talking with my husband I decided I need to make some changes, and that started with removing things that don't make me a better person - things that do nothing for me, but make me lazier, or whatever.

So, I did some sping clean-up on facebook; a site I frequent. I deleted games, "likes" that I really don't like, deleted people who I didn't feel would help me be a better person. I let go of some things, photography sites that contributed to the whole comparison thing. I did feel bad doing some of this, especially "un-friending" people part of it, but I remembered that I can't please everyone. I cannot continue to be a people pleaser. I have to be me.

Wow, talk about a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again! Like I've been trapped in a covered up well, and I've just punched a whole through the surface.

I feel like I can see again - not physically seeing things - but seeing that my life holds so much more value than what I gave it, seeing that I can be an amazing photographer, seeing that I can focus on that business and I can see it becoming something much bigger.

I can see who I am again. I've been caught up in things that do nothing for me, but make me lazy, and then gain weight...a vicious cycle. I can see how much Heavenly Father wants me to be truly happy.

Today is a good day. And this sure helped me realize some things today.

And this poster hanging on my cubicle at work makes my day even better.

38

Happy 38th Birthday Ryan!

I sure do love you!

new addition

Over the past month few months Ryan and I have been talking about trading in our Lincoln Aviator (you can see the post when we got it here) It's a gas guzzler getting anywhere between 12-16 mpg.

While I loved having that SUV, loved the leather seating, wood trim (my favorite on the steering wheel), dual climate control, seating for 7, lots of room to haul photography props, front and rear sensors so I don't hit anyone or anything, etc. etc... I won't miss the fact that I have to fill it up every week, and that it costs us an arm and a leg to do so.

We also loved the fact that it was paid for.

As we've been talking about what to get in place of the Lincoln we talked about getting a cross-over, maybe the new 2013 Mazda cx-5, that just barely came out. Then we talked about getting something smaller with better gas mileage.

Now, I'm a tall person - 6ft. I like to get in and out of cars easily. I have long legs and I really value my ample leg room. But funny enough, I didn't get much leg room in the Lincoln.

Anyway, I liked the idea of a cross over and Ryan liked the idea of something smaller.

So, we test drove the new Mazda cx-5 a few times. We really liked it. It gets around 21-28 mpg, better than the Lincoln.

We also test drove the 2012 Mazda 3 hatchback. Ryan really liked this one. I was getting used to it. It's smaller, but surprisingly has more leg room than the Lincoln, a plus! Also it gets up to 40mpg - a BIG PLUS!

For a few weeks after we test drove those two cars we debated which one was better and would be better for us. I wanted the CX-5 because it had more room to haul things, but also was easier to get in and out of. However, I sure did like the idea of having better gas mileage.

Saturday we went back to the Orem Mazda Dealership, and by the way, if anyone is looking at getting a car, go to this dealership and ask for Ray. He was amazing, non-pushy, and so, so very helpful!! I recommend them over any other big dealership.

Back to Saturday.

We found Ray and told him we wanted to test drive both the CX-5 and the Mazda 3 hatchback again.

While driving the cx-5 I had a sick feeling in my gut. I knew this wasn't the car for us right now. We drove the smaller Mazda 3 hatchback. I felt happy. Like really happy. This was the car for us, for now.

So why would I get something smaller, me being tall, and as a photographer that needs to have room to haul things like chairs?

Well, a couple of things...

1. it's a hatchback - there's plenty of room to still haul things when I need to. I just put the back seats down and voila!

2. the 40mpg really sold me. With the way the gas is climbing these days, I'd rather have better gas mileage than luxury. And again, I can totally stretch out my legs while driving it - love that.

3. It's a cute car! Not one that I would normally pick, but I feel so good about that mpg that I can't think of anything better.

4. As much as I want an SUV, we don't need it right now, and I have to remember that we're being practical and I'm just fine with that.

5. Someday when we have kids we'll get something bigger. But right now this is perfection.

I'm happy. I'm happy with this car. I'm happy with the decision Ryan and I made to get rid of the Lincoln. I'm HAPPY about the mpg. So very happy! :)

So long Aviator. Hello Mazda 3.

Perspective - Day 4/ Siblings personalities

Describe the personalities of your family members when you were young?

'Bunny Hop' pose. Just missing Conn (wasn't born yet). Hawaii. 1982 or 1983
L-R: Sean, Caitilin, Shannon, Erin, Shane, Megan, Quinn.

Photo op with Santa Clause. Hawaii. 1984 or 1985

Quinn: “Quinn was always the center of attention in the neighborhood in Hawaii. Every night there were night games on that street, Moana Street. There was this game called 'Zorro' that the neighborhood boys would play. Quinn was always Zorro; always the center of the games. Everyone flocked to Quinn. He is the funny one. He is the oldest.

Quinn and Darlene. (Didn't have access to a picture of his as a kid)

Megan: Megan was the “teacher” of the family. She was always in charge. She was always teaching us dance moves, songs, playing "pageant" with us. She was in gymnastics, and would try to teach us how to do back walkovers, the splits, etc. Erin was the only one that really got into it with her. I always wanted to be like her because she had nice clothes; which later on got me into trouble for borrowing her clothes without asking. So many arguments, between the girls, happened because of clothes.

Me & Megan. Hawaii. 1978

Shane: Shane was the craftsman. He built the tree house in the HUGE banyon tree we had in our backyard. That’s where you would find him. He built the tire swing on that tree as well. He would build forts for his GI Joes, and he was the Artist. Winning drawing contests as a kid.

Shane and his drawings. Hawaii.

Shane was wise. He had this jar full of money in his room, and was always saving his money. He always had everything together it seemed, even as a kid.


Erin: Erin was kind of the wannabe Megan. She sang all the time, like Megan did. They always sang this duet called, "come in from the rain". She had a really good voice (still does). She loved the spotlight. She was in a lot of plays, she also did a pageant.

Erin and Megan doing the splits. Hawaii.

Between me and Erin, she was always the skinny one. I would try to insult her skinniness but it never worked. She took great pride in playing pranks on me, such as scaring me. In arguments she was always the calm and quiet one. She was the instigator. When we were younger my mom would dress me and Erin alike. To this day she hates it when we dress even slightly alike.

Erin holding baby Caitilin. Hawaii. 1980.

Shannon: I (Shannon) was somewhat shy. I had my group of friends. I didn’t need any more than that. I had friends in the ward, but I was more introverted.

May Day. Kindergarten - 1982 - Hawaii.

I was always in my own little world. I liked pretending to be Dorothy or Wonder Woman. I always dreamed and imagined in my head. I liked to dream of going somewhere, or dressing a certain way. I imagine how my house is going to be and what it’s going to look like. I would always dream of bigger things, rather than what I already have. Some things never change. I was, and still am, a worrier. I've always got something on my mind that I'm worried about, or something that gives me anxiety. I was a thumbsucker. It took me a long time before I quit that habit all on my own. I was very fragile kid. I sprained my ankles several times. I was always falling off the trampoline, or burning my arm, and having to wear some sort of cast”.

Me, standing outside our house - up against a coconut tree - showing off my cast, and my underwear.
Hawaii. 1980-ish?

Caitilin: Caitilin was the attitude one. Not that she was mean, but she was just crazy. She had to be in everybody’s business. She was always talking to people, such a talker.

Me & Caiti playing at a playground. Hawaii. 1984 or 1985.

Caiti and her best friend, Amy Smith, loved exercising. She would wear leotards, legwarmers and headbands. We had a mini trampoline and she would be on that thing for hours "working out". They would even go to exercise groups at the church with the relief society. Caiti always wanted to be with the older crowd. She was very mature in her mind (still is). She had attitude. She would talk back to mom and dad. She and I always shared a bed.

My Mom, Caiti and I. Mom is holding baby Sean. At the PCC. 1981. Hawaii.

Sean: Sean, you weren’t like Caiti. You weren’t a crazy kid. You were a pretty boy. You were just cute. You had this light colored hair, but yet your skin was tan. You had curls in your hair, and little ringlets - they were so cute! We were all sad the day Mom cut those little curls. You would do whatever anyone told you to do. You wouldn’t fight a lot and you were easily entertained.

Sean - Preschool, Hawaii

But I remember this one Christmas I gave you this toy and you were not happy with it. It was an action figure of "Beau", Sheera's boyfriend. You cried when you saw what it was. So I just kept. I think that Christmas I secretly wanted that toy, so I think that’s why I got t for you. It worked out for me! I remember when you got knocked out by a coconut branch in front of the house. I was in the kitchen washing dishes, and I was looking out the window. I remember seeing you playing. I looked away, and then looked back and you were walking but you were wobbly and then you fell down. I ran out there and you were out of it. You had a little blood coming from the top of your head. Mom and Dad were gone so we called 911. The ambulance was at our house and I remember mom and dad driving down the road towards the house, I could see moms face and she was so frightened. I don’t remember anything else after that. But mom was scared.

Conn: Conn was the one we were always worried about. He would choke on everything! And he was a screamer. He would scream and cry and cry. But I always felt very protective of Conn. I think it was because growing up we were separated by the 4 oldest and the 4 youngest. I was the oldest of the 4 youngest. Conn it seemed hardly ever wore clothes in his younger days; always running around in just a diaper that was always on the verge of falling off.

Conn & Sean - 1984. Hawaii.

Conn was easily influenced as well. We would make him go up and get things for us and tell him we would time him and he was all about it! On his first day of kindergarten I remember telling him “Conn, when the bell rings and it’s time to leave you don’t go anywhere. Just stay right here and I will come and get you”. I was in sixth grade. When that last bell rang I booked it down the school hallways so I could go and get him. I was so worried about him, hoping he had had a good day, and that kids were nice to him. When I got around the corner of the Kindergarten hallway there he was, sitting on a little bench, clutching his backpack waiting for me. It melted my heart”.

Some of my favorite pictures...

Baby Caitilin was born. Hawaii. 1979

I think this was at the Pali lookout in Honolulu. Hawaii. 1982

Grampa Curran came to Hawaii. 1982

Curran Family (3 more to join the family later on). Our backyard. Hawaii. 1978

"Look at the camera!" I can hear Grampa saying as he took us to McDonalds. Hawaii. 1982

Caiti and me anxious for dinner to start. Hawaii. 1981

Showing off our Mauri dancing talents, or lack there of, at our Cousins house in ND. 1980
L-R: Dad (with guitar), Erin, Shannon, Shane, Quinn, Megan...and then baby Caitilin.

...And here we all are today. Taken at Erin's wedding in December. 2011


The 'Bunny Hop' pose, re-done with EVERYONE.
L-R: Quinn, Megan, Shane, Erin, Shannon, Caitilin, Sean, & Conn.